i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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