i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish you could order shots online.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i drank out of a bidet.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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