you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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