No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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