We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I have fence marks all over my body
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
