my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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