I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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