we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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