You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
