We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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