you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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