Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
