if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
