i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just threw up on my dentist
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
