I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
