He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
