somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
