So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
