Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
