hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
