As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
