Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
