smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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