Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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