Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
