His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
