Banned from zoo.
Again?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
