"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
