I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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