After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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