My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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