I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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