It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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