i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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