who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
