this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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