I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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