my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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