hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
