I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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