I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
