Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
