Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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