I cannot find my penis.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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