Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
