I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize