handjob tips. give me some.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
