remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
