I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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