I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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