If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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