The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
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Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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