I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
