Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
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Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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