If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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