So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
