Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
