They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
