Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
