well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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